It has been quite a while since I’ve posted here in my blog. It has been such an adventure these last few years, but I am so happy to say, things could not be better. I am fully in awe with how God has moved in me, around me, and all over this world. Over this morning, I really felt compelled to write out a very painful, but yet incredibly life-changing season I just sent through in my life. I pray this would be helpful and encouraging to just one person out there. Let me begin.
Around the beginning of October 2017, I began to experience a breaking and crashing of my life, my work, my emotions, my mind … I started to feel burn out. It started with a feeling of overload, a feeling I was used to before, but it became more extreme, profound, and prolonged.
I would normally respond with working harder, more hours, and more effort. This time it was too heavy and it fell back on me. I started waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to turn off my brain, fighting feelings of fear, terror, and even a few screaming fits of waking myself up in the middle of the night.
I could not relax, I could not rest, I kept trying to fix, to repair, to catch up, but it didn’t work. I lost energy, my drive left, my desire left, my hope left. I felt frozen, angry, sharp, irritated, annoyed, and began to act out in ways not natural to me. I burnt out, and burn out stinks!
I knew something needed to change, but what was it?
I started to get counseling on Oct 13. I took some days to rest and reflect on Oct. 20-22. I left for an international trip on Oct. 29.
Before I left on the international trip, a very hard blow came at my work. There came some major changes to my work and reporting. While I now see how this change serves an purpose for HSU, it was a very painful and destructive blow to my life, my job, my self-esteem, and value. I felt that I gave myself to something and in turn did not feel valued for any longer – I left like I was being thrown out with the trash.
On top of this, our Director of Communications left, we had some major last minute changes to a big project, completely disseminating our office and our staff. I was helpless, flying to the other side of the world on the international trip, I felt powerless to do anything.
This time brought so much pain, anger, and fear –the bottom dropped out of me. I was completely broken at this point!
If it was not for three prayer warriors (Faith Brodie, Vicki House & Kendra Duke, and there were probably a lot more in the background) who the Lord sent, I don’t think I would have made it past this time. The gift of good friends and prayer truly is a blessings from God.
As I was on this international trip, away from all of this, the Lord began to speak with me on this pain and the reason for everything in clear detail. I felt Him, saying, “let’s talk” (the story of the women caught in adultery, where Jesus met her face to face, was in my reading plan and was a perfect example of what God wanted to do, John 8:1-11). God wanted to talk with me face to face.
He showed me that I was choosing so many different things, too many things in my life and not putting my time into what is best. I was not putting time into what He wanted (John 10:38-42, the story of Mary & Martha also resonated strongly, not coincidently the passage I was reading next).
My energies and focus was split over so much stuff. The clear wisdom and direction from God is what I was missing in my life. If He was Lord of my life, He gets to direct my life, not me. I was needing to wait and listen to His voice. He told me a couple of important things during this time:
- “There are good things, and there are God things.”
- “Just because its good, does not mean its God”.
- “Less does not mean lazy, leave room for the miracle. I’m not going to work if you try to do everything – my miracles cannot happen if there is nothing left for me to do”
- “You cannot do everything. You are not God.”
- “Don’t say YES without realizing and also saying NO to something else.”
- “You can Trust Me. Rest.”
He also reminded me of the promise and words He shared with me in China over 4 years ago:
- “What I have coming for you will be impossible to do on your own, do not even try.”
- “I have new people for you to work with.”
(He gave me these words before I left Dallas to come to Abilene and to HSU. These words acted as lenses for me to live by for a number of years, I kept looking through life for what they meant for a very long time. Well, about two years ago, the Lord revealed to me he was speaking about Abilene, Hardin-Simmons University, and the people and work He would do through us all).
As I pressed in with God in the midst of this pain, exhaustion, and helplessness, He began to speak another very important word to me … I felt the following well up inside me:
“I am drawing a line and I have some new things to teach you. I want to remake the way you look at life.”
This was a very surprising word to receive from God.
I did not know what this meant at first, but as I continued to read more from the book of John (my reading plan at the time, learning more clearly the teachings of Jesus) and reflecting on the Book of Acts (my pervious reading plan, seeing how the Holy Spirit moved to build the first church), it started to make sense more of what He was saying to me.
First, I saw how much God was also in control, He is faithful, in every circumstance, and in every situation, nothing is a surprise to Him. Psalm 46:10 started to appear more “Cease Striving and know that I am God. I am exalted above the nations, I am exalted above the earth.”
- Did I really believe He was in absolute control?
- Was this season of very painful circumstances apart of His plan?
- Did I believe He was working out ALL THINGS for my good and His Purpose?
If so, then even this season had a purpose for His plan and glory and it was also for my good!
I had to sit in this idea, in solitude, and really search my heart, motives, and beliefs – in my heart, did I truly believe He was in absolute control and there is nothing beyond His grasp? To be honest, it took me a number of days and conversations with Him to work this out.
My answer in the end was YES!
I do believe this truly. He is Lord of my life, and I trust him.
Secondly, I remembered His promise over my life as a follower of the teachings and way of Jesus. I AM HIS. Nothing controls my life any longer. No power, no person, no job, no ruler, no evil, no circumstances … I AM FULLY HIS and FULLY FREE!
I remembered one of my favorite verses coming together in a new and profound way. Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
“Our circumstances do not need to change, but our perspective on are circumstances need to change.”
As we love Him, and He loves us, then He is fully working out ALL THINGS, for my GOOD and for His PURPOSE. This is an “iron-clad truth”!
This led me to spend even more time in solitude with God, asking Him to reveal to me what needed to change.
- What did He want to show me?
- What did He want to remake in my life?
- What freedom and joy did He want to release in my life?
I pressed in even more.
I started deep self reflection with God, and realized that I have such a very, very strong need for the affirmation and acceptance of others. This really has driven a significant part of my life – what others think of me and how others see me. This was significantly motivating my decisions, my choices, and my energies, really everything. God wanted to free me from this! He wanted to uproot this and replace this with Him!
This was the beginning of what He wanted to remake in my life.
WOW! This came up and really hit me hard.
My strong desire to have the affirmation from others. I saw this in my job change, my burn out, my decisions, in so many things. This could not continue. I know that I wouldn’t do what He has called me to do if I listened so strongly for the affirmation, value, and seeking significance first from others instead of first from God.
I realized that everything in my life could be taken away, changed, moved … if I look for other things besides God for my value, significance, affirmation, I will eventually get crushed. GOD and His Love, How He sees me; these things are my value, significance, and my affirmation, these guide my life!
I believe this season was brought about to show me a new way to live …
My significance is found only in Him! My life is founded first on the love, value, and affirmation of God, understanding how He sees me as His son, now perfect, blameless, pure and Holy. Beyond that, the full of the power of heaven itself through the Holy Spirit is with me and ready to be unleashed onto this world! For His glory!
My crumbled foundation instantly became rock solid, stronger than I have ever felt before! I realized that through a very difficult season, not only was God wanting to uproot, but He was wanting to plant a very powerfully strength inside of me. He was taking me deeper in Him and with greater maturity in my life. Praise to Him!
Everything started to come together, the last year and a half in Abilene.
As I began to live this new perspective, I began to see everything different – everything started to come into focus, and I began to see the freedom and life He had given me fresh again.
I can truly tell you that my first desire is to please you Lord as first importance! You will no longer have to guess from me what I am thinking of why I am doing something my friends! Its God and God alone!
This is the vine for me; I cannot produce the fruit as the branch fully unless I am fully in the vine. Jesus is the vine. He pruned me, and there is more … I am learning to love Him more and to look at Him first in all things! My leadership. My Family. My education. Everything.
As I look back at this season, there is something else that comes up even more profoundly. Something that touches every bit of every word I wrote here – ITS GOD. I am speechless by how good our God is! His love and faithfulness. His attention and patience to show me these things is just incredible.
A life of following the teaching and way of Jesus really builds on each other. It truly is a journey that He leads us down. Its filled with twists and turns, unexpected detours, surprises, tears (of joy and sadness), but throughout it all, He is there! Trust Him, because it all comes together in the end. He has a plan to show us more, grow us, and most important reveal His love to us!
I now feel a season of remaking, building, expansion, an expectation of more to come! I am excited to see where the Lord leads; following him truly is the greatest adventure we could ever have!
It all points to Him. Glory to God! Amen!
Grey
